


#Evak (English translation)

by softevak2121



Category: SKAM (TV), SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Additional tags will be added as I translate, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Awkward Boners, Bisexuality, Brief mention of mental illness, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Grinding, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mention of IRL partners, Oral Sex, POV First Person, Smut, Translation, also lots of angst, lots of fluff, yay hickeys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-09-28 02:26:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 13,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10066259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softevak2121/pseuds/softevak2121
Summary: It was only fiction.Or perhaps it wasn't.To be honest I can't tell what's real and what's not anymore.Actually, there's one thing I know for sure: I'm in love with him and I'm so screwed right now.[...]I type "#Evak" in the search bar.Let the bedtime story begin.-----The original story is by Martinabattista1 from Wattpad, I'm just a humble translator.Despite the title, this story revolves around Tarjei and Henrik's relationship - two coworkers who might like each other a bit too much. Isak and Even's on-screen relationship will also play a big role and that's why you will see evak in the tags. It's a slow build up so don't expect explicit contents until later on.It goes without saying that this is work of fiction and it's not meant to represent the real relationship between the two actors.I realise not everyone is comfortable with RPF, please read at your own risk. Comments are going to be screened as I won't tolerate any form of abuse.Also available in:IT - https://www.wattpad.com/story/98171290-evakEN (on Wattpad) - https://www.wattpad.com/story/106922355-evak-english-versionFR - https://www.wattpad.com/story/102036552-evak





	1. Tarjei

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [#Evak](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/270329) by Martinabattista1. 



It was only fiction.

Or perhaps it wasn’t.

To be honest I can't tell what's real and what’s not anymore.

Actually, there’s one thing I know for sure: I’m in love with him and I’m so screwed right now.

I set my cup of tea on the table and lean back to stretch in my chair. I swore to myself I would put an end to these thoughts. Filming will resume soon and I need to find a way to fucking focus on this “secret script” in front of me.

These days all I seem to do is going over scripts and playing roles. It’s my job, I love it to the bits, it keeps my mind busy.

Still, this time I feel worried about going back to working on Skam. I haven't seen Henrik since late December. Sometimes I really feel like asking him to hang out but what for? So I can hear him rave about how great his relationship is? Yeah I'm an asshole, okay. I just don’t give a flying fuck about his love life. 

… 

Well, that’s not exactly true. I do care in fact because I’d love to be a part of it. 

I slap myself on the forehead.

“SCRIPT, alright, SCRIPT”

I look back at the printed text on the page, gazing at it.

Who do I think I’m kidding ? I miss him, I’m in love with him and, again, I’m so fucking screwed.

I give up. My eyes stare blankly at the clock in the kitchen until I finally decide to stand up.

I turn off the lights and head to my room. My parents are long asleep. For some reason I enjoy studying at night, usually after 10pm or so, I don’t know why but it makes me feel inspired. Yet tonight I can’t bring myself to, I’m sorry, I just can’t.

I flop into bed, grab my phone and reply to a bunch of messages on Whatsapp.

Then I log into Isak’s Instagram profile and start to go through the feed, being extra careful not to like anything as I can’t risk catching anyone’s attention.

I type “#Evak” in the search bar.

Let the bedtime story begin.


	2. I'm not a supermarket product

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the slow updates, it's been a long week. Thanks for the all the support and the lovely comments!
> 
> Again, the original story is by the lovely Martinabattista1, I'm just translating.

In this pitch darkness I’m almost blinded by the bright light radiating from my phone screen.

I’m well aware of the fact I’m different from Isak and Henrik from Even but I love looking up what fans think of Evak, somehow they seem to make my darkest fantasies feel more real. In a way it’s almost like they manage to shed light on my most intimate feelings. 

The more I find myself clicking on some pictures the more pathetic I feel. 

It's 1am already, tomorrow is a school day and they're handing us back our math tests. I’m pretty sure I flunked mine. 

I lock my phone and put it on charge. Staring at the ceiling, I let out a sigh.

“I just wish I could fall asleep...” 

The more I say it the farther sleep drifts away from me. 

Maybe I should drop him a line.

…

No, that's off the table. It's been over a month since we last spoke. Why would I do that ? Also, writing to him at this hour would be a dead give away. Who on Earth would reach out to a _colleague_ at this time of the night ? Just David probably. But only to send me videos of people screaming in an attempt to wake up the whole house, that is. Now I always make a point of waiting until the next day to open his messages.

At last I can feel my consciousness ebbing away, sleep slowly taking over. 

My mind goes back to that beautiful smile, to the way he looks at me like I'm the only thing that matters in the entire world. His face starts turning into a blur until darkness finally falls.

-

The alarm goes off. 

I can't bring myself to roll out of bed, I'm exhausted. 

I turn the alarm off, get up and head straight to the bathroom. 

Mum catches me standing like a zombie and asks if everything’s alright. 

I think she knows. I feel like part of her must get what’s going on.

I don't like labelling myself, I'm not a supermarket product. I'm a person. A person who falls in love with other people. I think Skam taught me well in that sense. 

I give her a small nod in response and she leans in to kiss me on the cheek.

“I made you packed lunch, I know how much you hate the canteen food”

“Thanks mum” 

I lock the bathroom door behind me, take a quick shower, put some clothes on and then rush to the kitchen where my fresh orange juice is already waiting for me.

“Don’t you get back your math tests today?”

My dad looks at me almost like he’s ready to pick up a fight. 

“Yeah, I’m hoping for a pass”

“Tar… you know we’re not particularly strict with you - your grades have always been good and you have a career lined up for you already at this point, but we’re worried about you. You look distracted lately …”

Mum puts down the cup she’s washing and turns to me.

“Filming will resume soon, I’m just a bit tense. I mean, I can’t wait for it of course, but it’s also a great responsibility: my character is someone with a great influence right now and I want to do my best to make him justice.”

I have no idea how I came up with that but my parents seem to buy it and they let me go without further ado. I leave the house, catch public transport and make my way to school. I love the fact that I still manage to keep my usual routine and lead a normal life despite the success.

-

It's lunch break, I go sit at the usual table waiting for my friends to arrive. 

I ended up not passing by a small margin by the way. This is definitely not my best time.

A smiling and visibly excited David sits next to me causing me to jump in surprise.

“So, how's it going with the script ?”


	3. “Hey babe, where are you running off to?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How dare he sneak up on me like this? I hate him.

“I had a first read through last night, it’s pretty good.”

“Have you heard from Henrik yet?”

I shake my head.

“Well you should. You two should at least start to get in touch. Ulrikke and I have already made plans to meet up late this afternoon.”

I arch my eyebrows offering a sly smirk.

“Oh please, you’re just looking for an excuse to make out.” 

“So what? Any problem with that?” he scoffs.

“No, of course not.”

We see some friends walking up to us so we cut the conversation short. We never discuss work when we’re at school, especially not in front of the others. We try our best to continue leading a completely normal life.

-

Classes are dismissed and I make my way to the exit.

During English class David prompted me to work harder on the script so I find myself walking eagerly to the bus stop.

“Hey babe, where are you running off to?”

I freeze. I literally stop moving. I’m fully paralysed. I know that voice, so deep and so damn compelling. I see the bus pulling away in front of me but I don’t care, or rather, I can’t really bring myself to move a muscle. I turn my attention to the cars driving by as I try to slow down my racing heartbeat until a slim and slightly taller figure steps in front of me.

He smiles at me. I want to knock his fucking teeth out. He never calls, never writes, never seems to acknowledge my existence in any fucking way, how dare he sneak up on me like this? I hate him...

He snaps his fingers in my face.

“Tar, are you there?”

“H-Hello H-Henrik”

My voice is shaky and insecure, the stark opposite of his.

His grin grows even wider.

“I’ve been running after you since you walked out of school” he laughs.

Oh.

“Uhm… sorry, I… I didn’t realise” I look up with a little more confidence only to lose myself in his beautiful blue eyes. 

“You look rather startled, I’m sorry, I know you don’t like being followed.”

“No, it’s not that… it’s just…” I pull the test out of my backpack.

Well played Tar, seriously, YOU’RE A GENIUS!

Henrik looks at it, “Aw... I don’t miss school one bit.”

I give a small shrug, sighing, “It’s just not a great t-” I pause. I spot some girls from my school staring at us. They must be fans of the series for sure. Henrik seems to sense my discomfort. I don't like being stared at. Fame is nice and all but I need my routine, I need my peace and quiet.

“Come, let me get you something.”

Despite everything, Henrik really knows me. The minute we step away my anxiety starts to calm down. 

“It's sweet…”

He catches me off guard, “What? What are you talking about?”

“The fact that you can’t seem to get used to these things” he says smiling.

I smile back at him, “Well, I’m sure you’re more than used to it by now, I saw plenty of pictures and videos doing the rounds.”

Shit. I just made it obvious to him that I look that stuff up. Great.

“Yeah, you know, people often come looking for me at my mum’s restaurant. It’s flattering. Besides, we both know I’m the most affectionate one between us.” 

“Yes, you are in many ways...”

Come on brain, FOCUS.

Henrik raises his eyebrows, chuckling at my remark. Gosh, I’m so hopeless.

At last we walk into a bar and take a sit. 

“How’s it going with the script?”

“I get that question a lot lately, is that why you were looking for me?”

“In part” he smiles. 

“It’s going alright by the way. I started going through it last night, I’m sure the season will be another big hit.”

“You bet! Anyway, other than that, how are you?”

“Same old same old… and you?”

“I’m working a lot, you know, help my family out.”

I nod. We stay silent for a long while. I steal glances at him when he’s not looking. I feel so much like Isak right now.

“Well perhaps we should meet up sometimes to rehearse like we did last time. That way we’ll feel more at ease during filming.”

Another silence. I know what he’s thinking about and he knows what’s on my mind as well. We never mention our “private” rehearsals. They’re the main reason I got my hopes up in the first place. He seemed to be so real with me...

“I hope you got better at kissing after everything I taught you.” Henrik suddenly breaks the silence with a comment that causes my heart to skip a beat. I try to keep a cool head.

“Hey! I’m a great kisser, you’re the only one who ever complained about it!”

“No, I’m the only one who had the guts to say that to your face. I’m a nice colleague as well as a nice friend!”

I give him a death stare as only I can until we both break into laughter.

To be fair he has a point. I was pretty terrible at it. The thing is he doesn't know that I was only terrible at it because I was nervous and frightened at the idea of kissing him. Besides, I enjoyed letting him have his way. Letting him take the lead. Those were the only brief moments when I could close my eyes and allow myself to bask in his sweetness.


	4. Henrik

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to be completely honest with him and I definitely wish he'd do the same with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for yet another slow update, more chapters will follow shortly! 
> 
> Thanks again for all the comments and the kudos. They're really appreciated so keep them coming !
> 
> As usual, all credits go to the lovely MartinaBattista1.

I get home to a quiet house. I guess everyone is still at work. 

After grabbing an apple from the basket on the kitchen counter I bite into it and head straight to my room. 

I lie down in bed.

Tomorrow's the weekend and I made sure to inform everyone about my plans.

Tarjei and I are going to start working on our rehearsals. It’s something we first decided to do upon realising how terribly awkward and uncomfortable we were on our very first day on set. We were told to practice in a quiet place away from pressure and it worked wonders. We always rehearse at my place, my parents are both hard workers so we often end up having the house to ourselves.

I hear a key turning in the door lock. It's mum, I can tell by the sound of her shoes.

“Henrik, sweetheart, are you home?”

“I'm in my room!”

I watch as she cracks open the door.

“I thought I’d make you some food for the weekend. Something you can then reheat during the day when we’re not home.”

“Tarjei and I will do just fine on our own mum” I chuckle.

Mum looks at me, not entirely convinced.

“I’ll make you something anyway.”

“Fine then.”

She goes to close the door behind her only to open it right back.

“Today I stumbled upon the cutest fan edit.”

I literally crack up “Seriously ma, you say that every day, I KNOW, I’m on Instagram, too.”

“Yes, yes, you’re right, of course. I just feel like I have to be a modern mum, the modern mum of my little star!” 

“...All right…” the embarrassment is killing me.

“Fine I’ll go, I’ll get cooking.”

As she leaves I start to relax.

It's true, I love looking up #Evak or #Skam on Instagram and get lost in that sea of pictures. I find them lovely, mostly because they remind me of all the moments, the mistakes and the laughter Tarjei and I shared in between shots.

One moment in particular sticks out in my mind. The mere memory of it is enough to make me blush.

The damn sex scene in the hotel.

I never thought that sort of thing would happen to me, especially with a guy. I mean, I like to think of myself as someone who’s open to all experiences but… I don't know, that was weird. 

At the end of every take I would storm off and hide, making up excuses in an attempt to disguise my rather obvious erection. I think I managed to pull it off as no one seemed to have noticed. 

The only person who knows about this is mum. 

Odd, isn't it? Who would talk to their parents about sex stuff? 

Well, I would. My mum is my best friend. She always accepted everything about me.

Yet at times I feel like she might be the only one to do so. When I’m out with my friends and girlfriend sometimes they would tease me about that particular scene or some others. That's when I realise I would never trust them with a confession like that. Especially not my girlfriend, she would just run off… or perhaps she’d be up for a threesome.

I shake my head abruptly.

“What the hell am I thinking about?”

I make myself focus on the script. I can't risk looking bad tomorrow. Well, actually I know I will but I’ll still do my best to keep the situation under control.

I decided I’m going to open up with Tar. He’s my coworker, I feel like there's no one else in the world, except for my mum, I would trust with this little secret of mine. It will also help prevent any future awkwardness. I want to be completely honest with him and I definitely wish he'd do the same with me.


	5. Teenager

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, you’re not uncomfortable, are you?”

(Tarjei)

I fix my hair in the mirror for what must be the tenth time already.

The eleventh time I start to wonder what’s the point really. 

I feel like a damn little girl. I’m pathetic.

Mum wraps her arms around me as she looks at me through the mirror.

“Oh you’re so tense!”, she rubs my shoulders in silence. I think she’s waiting for me to say something but that’s not going to happen. I don’t know how to deal with situations like this.

“What time is Henrik expecting you?”

I look down at the clock on my phone, “In exactly twenty minutes, just enough time to get to his place.”

“Are you okay, angel?”

“Just the usual performance anxiety… you know what I mean.”

“You’ll do great as always, and besides, Henrik is your friend - even if you get the lines wrong when you’re in private, you can have a laugh about it.”

I nod my head slightly. If only that were the real problem.

The truth is I’m trembling. Ever since he asked me to rehearse together yesterday, I can’t help but imagine myself in his arms again, his lips perfectly locked with mine, like two pieces of a puzzle, his smell invading my body and soul. I shudder.

“Honey, go put on another sweatshirt, you don’t want to get sick!”, I watch as she walks away before letting out a sigh. 

I really need someone to talk about this, but who? I’ve always been the… straight one, I think, to the people who know me, what am I supposed to say now?

I put my jacket on and say bye to my parents on my way out.

I could really use a cigarette right now. I don’t smoke, I’m not really good at it, but maybe it would calm me down a bit.

I take deep breaths all the way to his house, trying my best to focus on all the little things I spot along the way: shop windows, doorways, people lost in their thoughts. 

Sometimes I like coming up with up theories about their lives. I look at their walks, the looks on their faces, I try to understand their behaviour, I start to relate to their struggles. Worrying about other people’s problems is always easy because at the end of the day you’re not the one who has to deal with them. 

I stand outside the door leading to Henrik’s apartment.

I ring the intercom. When the door opens I go up slowly, trying to make every part of my body calm down.

The door is ajar. I enter the house quietly, “May I come in?”, I notice some small puddles of water on the floor. I feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach as soon as I hear Henrik’s voice coming from the bathroom, “Come on in, Tar! Make yourself at home, I’ll be there in a minute!”

He must have dripped water on the floor when he answered the door.

His parents are not home so I relax a little. The less social interactions the better.

I take my shoes off and head to Henrik’s room. His entire house smells like him, but his room is like a drug to my nostrils. 

I sit awkwardly on the bed and take another deep breath. His smell is intoxicating me. Oddly enough, I start to relax. 

“Hey!”

I jump at the sight of him walking into the room wearing only a towel around his waist, “sorry, I’m late, I was still in the shower.” I spring up quickly but lower my head down all the same.

This is the last thing I needed right now.

“Hey, you’re not uncomfortable, are you?”, he laughs

What the fuck is he laughing about? I’m trying to hold myself together, in case he didn’t notice!

“Uncomfortable? No, no, of course… of course not.”

He steps closer. He’s way, way too close. “Is everything all right?”, his voice is so damn deep.

I take a step back from him, pretending to look out the window “Sure.”

I see out of the corner of my eye that he’s struggling to put his boxers on without dropping the towel to the floor and revealing parts of his body that shouldn’t be exposed.

He’s not doing a great job, I can tell mainly by the slight bulge in my sweatpants becoming increasingly more prominent.

“Shit!”

Shit, shit, why did I say ‘shit’?

He looks up straight away, giving me a questioning look.

“I… I think… I think I should leave.”

“What? But… you just got here. Did something happen?”, he steps even closer.

The fact that he’s only wearing boxers is not helping me. I’m turning even redder with embarrassment. It's ridicolous. I never found myself in such a tight spot, not even on set. I blame it on my feelings getting mixed up with my physical needs.

“Oh”, I see Henrik looking down. Yes. Right down _there_. He realised what’s going on.

I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear right now!

“Tar, Tar, wait please! It’s all right! It’s all right! Tarjei!” I see him running after me and almost slipping on the puddles of water on the hall floor.

I don’t give a damn, I’m not looking back, I even left my shoes behind but I don’t care. I storm off, staring down at the stairs which start to look distorted as my eyes are getting more and more clouded with tears. I made a fool of myself in front of him. I just want to cry. I just want to lock myself in a dark room and cry. I’m pathetic, I’m in love and I’m getting even more damn awkward and screwed by the minute.


	6. "And the Oscar goes to..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't know exactly what my heart wants… or my body for that matter”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad you're enjoying the story as much as I did, more is on the way!  
> Thanks for all the support and the kind words <3

(Tarjei)

Song: Mika - Underwater

'Cause all I need  
Is the love you breathe  
Put your lips on me and  
I can live under water,  
Under water, under water!  
Under water!  
Under water, under water  
I can live under water  
With your love I can breathe  
I can breathe under water

The track ends once again. Everything is quiet. This time I don't hit the replay button. 

I've been playing the song on repeat because it reminds me of a happy time. 

The day we filmed the swimming pool scene was a lot of fun. Henrik and I had only known each other for a brief time at that point but he treated me like an old friend. He made me laugh, looking back on it now I realise how crucial that was. 

People don't know this, but we had to reshoot the dialogue scenes several times because we were freezing to death. Part of us couldn't wait to be done with it. 

There was no need to reshoot the two kisses. The first time was more than enough. They decided to stick to the first takes because they felt very natural. Perhaps it’s true, but I have to confess that that was not the first time I kissed Henrik, in fact our first kiss was a complete disaster. It was extremely embarrassing, as soon as we learned of the underwater kiss scene we went to a public swimming pool just before closing time for practice, a couple of my friends were working there as lifeguards.

We only tried it once and I’m not sure which one of us ended up swallowing the most water. We both gagged on it, that’s why I decided to keep my mouth tightly shut during filming, fuck, that chlorine almost killed me! I think that after our first attempt together, Henrik practiced under the shower since he handled the situation way better than me.

I sigh.

I feel my eyes burning. I must have been lying in bed crying nonstop for at least 4 hours.

My phone keeps buzzing, I think I received something like 40 texts and 20 calls - I read the first 5 messages, it’s Henrik.

When I hear the sound of the intercom ringing, my heart pounds. In a matter of seconds I hear his voice, I close my eyes and shed a couple more tears. He’s talking to my dad. When I got home earlier today, barefoot and devastated, I told my parents I needed some time alone and that I didn’t want to see anyone.

I hear the door closing. Everything goes silent again. He left. I calm my nerves and spend the next twenty minutes staring blankly at the ceiling as if it held any answers. I wonder how I’ll make it back to the set. Scratch that, I wonder how I’ll make it out of the house. 

Someone knocks on my door. 

I don't answer but I hear my dad walking into my room all the same. 

I sit up and meet his eyes.

“You know, Tar, when I was a teenager I thought everything was the end of the world, that my life sucked, that girls didn't find me attractive enough and that my future would be just a long succession of failures.” 

“Looks like it turned out well”, I whisper quietly. 

He tilts my chin up and looks into my eyes, “I know why you're like that.”

I feel my heart skip a beat. 

“I have to admit I didn’t get it right away, your mum helped me with some clues.”

“Dad I don't know exactly what my heart wants… or my body for that matter”, the words come out soft as my voice is hoarse with pain.

“You have all the time in the world to figure it out, Tarjei, and we will always be here to support every decision you may take.” 

I never thought I’d end up talking to my dad about this, I’m astonished. 

I try to lighten the mood, “Does that mean you’re also going to support my decision to go live, I don't know, in some place far away so no one could find me?” 

“What happened with Henrik?”

“I… I had a… _technical_ problem, and we were not rehearsing.” 

Right now I feel awfully embarrassed to talk about this, the way my dad is staring at me is not helping. I lower my head.

“It was like.... confessing my feelings.” 

“You put your feelings out there several times already, he’s the one who either didn't get the hint or didn’t want to.”

“What?!”

My dad looks at me like someone who just stated the obvious, “No way that was all acting, Tar. And if it were then I fully expect you to get an Oscar. Actually, make it two, we’ll snatch one from Di Caprio since he got his for one of his worst films”, he gets up.

“That’s not true and either way, I'm not following you.” 

“Tarjei, your brain might be in love but you're not stupid”, he walks off closing the door behind him.

My dad is right when he says there was very little acting on my part. So yeah, Henrik can have my Oscar, he was the real King of acting. 

If I just think back to that damn sex scene in the hotel…

He would run away at every break, it was like he was repulsed by me and my body.

I feel my stomach completely drop.

He doesn't like me, not one bit, and now he has one more reason to keep away from me...


	7. Shock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I need something, a thrill, I need to feel something again, I want something to turn my life upside down, you know? Something to shock me.”

(Tarjei)

It’s Monday morning, time to go back to school. I calmed down a bit. On Sunday I spent the whole day trying to keep my mind busy - I studied the script and I know all the lines by heart now. I feel pretty good about myself. As someone who’s also a stage actor, knowing all the lines inside out is crucial to me. I noticed from the first few pages that there won’t be as many intimate scenes, in a way it’s probably for the best but at the same time it’s killing me. I wish I could go back to kissing him again…

Anyway, the reason Henrik came to my house the other day was to bring my shoes back. Mum said he also asked about me. My parents told him the truth - that it was not a good time and he left me alone indeed. I didn't get any more calls or texts. 

I watch my back on my way to school. I’m afraid he might show up any minute now. Oslo can be way too small when you don’t want to meet someone.

As I walk past the usual blind alley with trash bins in plain sight, I feel someone pulling my jacket and pushing me against the wall. A mugging is just what I needed in this shitty time of my life.

I keep my eyes glued to the ground, “I’ll give you everything you want, please don’t hurt me!”

Henrik tilts my chin up, raising an eyebrow, “Trust me, I would love to smash your face in!”

I’m speechless.

“But then again, you’re so lovely. No one would want to mess up such a pretty face”, he smiles.

I’m in utter shock. I don’t know what to say, I just stare at him with my mouth open. Looks like Isak is part of me at this point.

Henrik stops smiling, “Just so you know, I’m pissed as hell at you!”

“I… I.... I’m sorry, seriously, it’s not like you think, I…”, he starts to talk over me.

“I thought you trusted me!”

What? Are we talking about the same thing or not?

I look at him even more confused.

He stares back at me like he’s expecting an answer but then he sits down on the ground and gestures me to do the same.

I sit next to him. We don’t look at each other.

“It happened to me too…”

“...What happened?”

“I had an erection… when I was with you.”

What? What ? WHAT? Okay, Tarjei, calm down, you can handle this! You got it!

“...When?”

He rubs his neck “It was on set, during the hotel scene.”

Oh. Now that explains a lot…

“But I think it’s normal. We often find ourselves in these tense situations - our bodies have to react one way or another, right?” he glances at me, I wonder what is he expecting me to respond to that. I try not to point out the fact that my _incident_ happened outside of your typical Evak situation.

“I guess… I guess so.”

“Did you eat?”

Where did that come from now? He totally cut the conversation off, I mean, yeah, it’s probably for the best, but still…

“W-Why do you ask?”

“Your mum told me on Saturday that you skipped lunch.”

“What are you doing? Are you stalking my mum now?”

“You don’t get it, I don’t want you to die.”

Okay. What the fuck did he smoke before coming to meet me this morning?

“What… What are you talking about?”

He looks nervous, he gets up and sits straight back in front of me.

“I’m worried about you, I mean, I’m worried in general. I… I had some issues a couple of years ago.”

“What type of issues?”

“Eating issues. And yeah, please don’t say it’s _only_ a girl thing. I was under a lot of pressure because of my acting career, I wanted… to be attractive… you know, to be the guy with perfect proportions.”

“Please tell me you’re kidding.”

“No, Tar, I’m not kidding, but I’m better now. Still, I don’t like it when the people I care about underestimate the importance of food.”

“Henrik, you’re gorgeous.”

Okay, hang on Tarjei, where is this coming from? This is even worse than having an erection.

“I mean, did no one tell you you were already perfect or whatever the fuck that was?”

He smiles, his face completely lighting up.

“Yeah, someone did and I was saved. And now I’ll be the one who saves you!” he looks down at the clock, “there’s no point in going to school now, you’re way too late, you might as well come with me and grab something to eat and drink.”

“My school record will go down the drain thanks to you!”

He laughs. God, he’s really gorgeous.

We walk to the nearest bar. For the first time I feel like walking on air. I feel good, I feel comfortable - Henrik opened up with me and that did me good. Still, I’m a masochist. Sorry, life's all about all or nothing.

“How’s it going with…?”, he doesn’t even let me finish the sentence.

“Good… I mean, normal, I think.”

“Normal?”

“I don’t know, it’s becoming… a regular routine. It feels like we’re married already and I don’t like that. In the past few months I had more erections when I was with you than I did when I was with her.”

Although his words were entirely ironic, my legs start shaking.

“I need something, a thrill, I need to feel something again, I want something to turn my life upside down, you know? Something to shock me.”

Hmmm… sounds like what I feel when I’m with him.

“But so far, nothing. She’s always very busy and so am I, sometimes we hang out, we sleep together, it’s great, for goodness’ sake, I can’t complain about it… but that’s all there is to it. I don’t find myself craving for… cuddles afterwards, I just want to make myself a sandwich. I feel like an awful person.”

“You don’t love her anymore, it’s easy.”

\--- 

(Henrik)

A sentence so simple and ordinary cut straight through me like no knife ever could.

My life has always been full of certainty and sureness. I always had everything under control. I _demand_ complete order in my life as well as in my mind. But right now I realise Tarjei is right and that scares me, it scares me to death.


	8. Universe of emotions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ll tell you something I learned with time, Henrik: feelings are scary. Love is scary.

(Henrik)

Once I get home I throw myself on the sofa. Mum should be back any minute now. I sent her text, I desperately need her.

My mind is in complete chaos, one of the main pillars of my life has just been shattered.

I think part of me knew, but having someone say it to my face made it all more real.

“Henrik? Sweetheart?”

I hear mum walk in the door, part of me relaxes yet tears start streaming down my face.

“Sweetheart are you okay?”

As soon as she sits down on the sofa I collapse into her arms.

I never thought I’d have so many doubts in my mind. I never thought the end of a relationship would affect me this much.

“I don’t love her anymore, mum.”

Mum strokes my head, speaking quietly.

“She should be the one reacting like that, not you… but you’ve always been so fragile.”

I sniff, “It’s not about … the relationship per se. There was just something about it that made me feel secure and protected.”

“Being single is not the end of the world, Henrik. If anything, it will help you understand yourself. Spending some time alone, with a clear head, would only benefit you.”

“I like keeping myself busy, having lots of people around me…”

“I know, but you’ve got to ditch that habit. Often times you’ll find yourself needing silence... both on the outside and inside”, she rests her hand lightly on my chest, right where my heart is.

“Solitude, if managed properly, can be as good as sociability.”

The more she talks the more my mind wanders. My head is full of images and sounds, it’s a big mess.

“Mum, it happened more than once.”, I blurt out all of a sudden.

I don’t know, I don’t know why I’m bringing this up. Or maybe I do. It’s because voicing out the fragments that are rattling in my head makes them real.

I’m getting even more scared. I tremble. I regret what I just said. I’m about to cause another storm.

“What are you talking about…?”

I shake my head and hang it down. I don’t want to answer anymore.

Mum tilts my head back up and looks me in the eye, I feel like she’s reading right through me.

“I know.”

Her statement, simple and brief, frightens me and calms me at the same time. I have no idea where this discussion is heading to, I only know that there’s no need for me to say anything - because she knows, and that makes me an open book to her.

She continues, “I know that… the hotel scene isn’t the only time you felt your body react.”

I look at her. I look at her as though she was telling me a story: my story.

The story I never had the guts to listen to nor face.

The story I’ve always suppressed, pushing all questions out of my mind and my heart.

“Feelings, emotions, are something we can’t control. They come, they float, we can only repress them or choose to embrace them. You and Tarjei established a relationship, a very intimate and personal one. Your body is talking to you, guiding you, dropping small hints and clues. You decided to suppress them, repeating to yourself that the situation was fully under control. Now all the certainties you had about love blew up in your face. You’re scared. But I’ll tell you something I learned with time, Henrik: feelings are scary. Love is scary. Social relationships are scary. But they’re part of our daily life. And the most important thing is to face them, at our own pace and on our own terms. But you can’t keep leaving them in the dark.”


	9. Maths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My heart is in the driver’s seat right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't thank you enough for all the support and the comments ! I'm glad you're enjoying the story as much as I did. Things are about to go down, get ready.

(Henrik)

I sit at my desk. It’s all tidy with the script sitting in the middle.

I place my phone on top of the script, staring at it.

I must call her - breaking up with her over the phone is an awful thing to do but I must get this off my chest.

Yet I don’t make any move right now, I just look back to our memories together.

Things might change, but she’ll always be like a sister to me.

I don’t want her to completely disappear from my life, I mean, I would understand if she did, but I wouldn’t like it. 

I feel like shit.

She’s always been there.

She’s the one who saved me, together with my family.

And how do I pay her back? Parting ways with her.

To be fair continuing the relationship would be even worse. The whole thing turned into a mockery. There’s no feeling left and I don’t think I’m the only one who noticed.

Perhaps she’s not giving up because she cares about me.

… Maybe I should do the same?

I grab a piece of paper.

I decided I’m going to solve this in the most logical way I can think of.

Maths.

“So…”, I say out loud as I write, almost to convince myself.

“Sex / Other Stuff + Her = No feelings, struggling erection, slight pleasure towards the end, hunger.”

God, am I seriously doing this?

I resume.

“Simulated scenes + Tarjei = …”

I stop. I think about it. Think about how I really felt. Something I never gave much thought to.

“... = chills, stomach cramps, smile, comfort, erection.”

I stare at the paper before crumpling it up. I’m so embarrassed by myself.

Seriously? What the hell am I doing?

I throw it away.

Actually, I change my mind.

I pick the paper back from the trash, I open it, then rip it into a thousand pieces and throw it away again.

I don’t want to leave any evidence of my madness. Doing such a thing was bad enough.

I grab my phone and lay down in bed.

“I must break up with her… I can’t keep up this charade.”

I take a deep breath and dial her number from memory. It’s ringing. After the second ring I hang up with my heart racing. 

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!”

I’m terrified. I don’t like disappointing people, it’s just not like me.

I feel fear taking over my body. 

The phone starts ringing. I tremble.

“It’s now or never.”

I pick up, “Hey”

“Hey, did you call me? Or did you sit on your phone?”, she laughs.

Her laughter hurts me, it’s so oblivious. Like the calm before the storm.

“Yeah I called you. We have to talk.”

The atmosphere completely changes, I can feel the tension rising.

I think she knows what’s about to happen.

I think she’s been counting down to this moment for a while now.

I think she started to doubt me as soon as she watched the fifth episode of Skam season 3. I couldn’t recognise myself either.

“You’ve never been that sweet with me! You’re incredible, you know that right?” she told me laughing before leaning in to kiss me.

At the time my mind had full control over myself, but at this very moment I realise there’s been a power shift and my heart is in the driver’s seat right now.


	10. "WTF?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You two are fucking, right? Tell me the truth, Tarjei ‘cause I’m pretty tired!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your constant patience and support, you're all incredible <3
> 
> As usual, all credits go to MartinaBattista1.

(Tarjei)

This sound is literally making my ears bleed. Someone keeps ringing the buzzer with no intention of stopping. I’m tempted to yell “Who the fuck is there?” but that wouldn’t be very nice in case it turned out to be the courier. Unfortunately my parents are not home so it looks like I’ll have to socially interact with this person.

“Hello, who’s there?”

“Let me in, Tarjei. NOW.”

It’s a female voice. I open the entry door. I know who she is but the thing is, I don’t get what she’s doing here.

I open the door ever so slightly but she pushes it with so much force that I almost trip.

“You two are fucking, right? Tell me the truth, Tarjei ‘cause I’m pretty tired!”

I look at her, utterly appalled. What the fuck is she going on about?

“Don’t you even try, don’t look at me that way - you’re not innocent, your face doesn’t fool me anymore!” 

Okay, yeah, we know each other but not enough for her to make these assumptions about me.

I gaze at her with my mouth slightly open, not fully grasping what’s going on.

She stares at me in silence for a long while. At last, she gives in. I watch as she leans back against the wall and slides down to the ground, she looks seriously devastated.

“How long has it been going on?”, she starts crying, “Please Tar, tell me at least how long has this thing been going on!”

I start talking very calmly, If anything just to understand what she’s accusing me of.

“To be honest I have no idea what you’re talking about… I’m sorry.”

“He left me, Tar. He broke up with me over the phone without giving me any reasons…”, she sobs.

Oh shoot, looks like he took my words at face value. I didn’t think I’d have this much influence on him. 

“And… you think you’ll find them here?”

She looks at me and closes her eyes. I feel like she’s starting to calm down as she rests her head back against the wall. 

“I’m sorry, Tar. I didn’t mean to come at you that way, I didn’t mean to be like this… it’s just…”

“Henrik and I are not sleeping together.”

“Do you kiss?”

“Only when the script requires it, you know that.”

“Did you see him recently?”

What the fuck is this? An interrogation?

“Yes.”

“How did he seem?”

“Normal.”

I stick to short answers. My heart is doing a happy dance at the thought of this break up but, on the other hand, I’d hate to be in her place right now. One can tell she really cares about him and now she’s heartbroken.

“What… What did you do the past few days? Did anything in particular happen?”

Well actually, when I was at his place I had an erection after I saw him coming out of the shower, I spent the following weekend in tears, then he told me he also got a hard on for me when we were on set, and, to top it all off, he told me he no longer had feelings for you.

“Nope, nothing… nothing out of the ordinary.”

She sighs, “... Sorry again.”

I decide to go sit next to her.

“I… I’m sorry that he broke up with you the way he did.”

“No… I knew things were not going well. I knew it would happen sooner or later.”

I don’t say a word nor do I look at her.

“May I ask you something?”

She catches me a little off guard, I wonder what she wants to know.

“Of course, ask away.”

“Have you ever, well, felt anything for him? I watched Skam, you know. I watched it in detail because part of me was terrified. At first I was just a bit jealous of the fact that Henrik would have to kiss another girl but then… he started being so sweet and genuine with you. It was as if he was more genuine with you on set than he was with me in real life. Rather than a TV series, I felt like I was watching you guys in the Big Brother's house as you were falling in love and gaining supporters.”

“He’s a great actor.”

She suddenly turns her head to me, I’m afraid I might have picked the wrong words. 

“And you?”

I don’t say anything and lower my head. My nonverbals are giving too much away. I’ve got to do something about it. 

She raises an eyebrow “You’re in love with him.” 

“What? No!” I spring up quickly throwing my arms in the air, “What the fuck… God, no! Seriously?” 

“Are you sweating?”, I see her lips curling into a sweet smile. 

Is she smiling? What the fuck is she smiling about? Looks like we have Ms. Bipolar here. I don’t know what to do with her anymore.

“I don’t…”, I snort.

“Tarjei, it’s all right.”

“No, it’s not all right! You should all stop saying it is!”

I knew I’d explode at some point, I was just hoping it wouldn’t happen in these circumstances. 

“Who else said that to you?”

“My parents”, I lie, I don’t want to risk doing any more damage.

“I’m already tense enough about the new season, I can’t seem to get the lines to stick in my head, I don’t need any more bullshit right now!”

I’m talking out of my ass in a lame attempt to save my neck.

“Tar, I'd rather he be with you than anyone else"

“Will you just stop it?”

“Listen, right now I have a million feelings going through my head but… I love Henrik, I love him to the bits. We were together for a long time, I know him, I’m sure he was shaken by what just happened. Just like I’m sure something must have triggered it. But I want you to know that I also care about you and I trust you. Learning that he didn’t cheat on me makes me feel better, so I promise you I won’t say anything about his conversation, Tarjei.”

“There’s hardly anything to say.”

“And I also think you need someone to talk about this.”

“Maybe not his ex, though.”

I was about to get away with it, but these words, laced with exhaustion, made my facade crumble once and for all.

She looks at me and nods, “I understand, of course. I’m sorry Tar, you’re right. Forgive me.”

“Still…”

I look away. She’s really getting on my nerves, I wish she would just leave!

“Please don’t ignore me Tar.”

I turn my head slightly to face her.

“I… I knew it was bound to happen, I knew we would break up. Things were not going well, I was drifting away myself and my feelings changed as well. But Henrik is one of the most wonderful people on Earth. Keep in mind that if one day, in some parallel universe, you two are together and you break his heart, I will come after you. And maybe also vice versa”, she leaves.

I close the door and drop down to the ground.

I have no idea what the hell just happened.

I’m even more confused than I was before.

I spend the next 10 minutes or so staring into space with an empty mind.

An insistent knocking on the door brings me back to reality.

I open the door straight away without even bothering to ask who is it, I’m sure it’s her again, I guess she wants to spew some more nonsense.

What does she think? That we’re living in a dream world? Life is not a fairy tale. Life is not a TV series. Life's a mess and that’s about it.

Henrik suddenly appears in front of me with a completely neutral look on his face - the worst look he could have, the one that scares me the most. He’s also soaking wet from the rain. He stares at me and I stare at him in return, trying my best to read his eyes, but to no avail.

“What the fuck did she say?”

His voice makes me jump, but I decide to take the situation in hand. I’m sick of being the victim or the weak one. This time I won’t let my voice crack. I won’t let myself be blinded by his eyes, by the movements of his mouth, by how awfully perfect he looks in my eyes.

“This is my house”, I say calmly, articulating every word, “I ask the questions now.”


	11. Affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We have something special, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update ! More is on the way I promise!

(Henrik)

Perhaps I made a mistake. I walked into his house without even bothering to say ‘hi’ and attacked him right away, as if he’s the one at fault here except he’s not.  
I am.

I relax my face and pretend those last words have never been said.

“Hello…” I take off my shoes and jacket before making my way to his room, his eyes never leaving me. It’s weird, for the first time I feel like I’m not at ease.

I sense him following me in complete silence. The first thing I notice when I turn back to face him again is that he’s still sporting the same strained and angry look on his face.

I want a hug, I need it.

I feel like crying, I’m such a child.

“Would you please tell me what happened? Why did you break up with her in such a horrible way?”

Thanks, Tarjei. You could at least try to support me instead of making me feel even more like shit. 

I look at him and without even realising it, I shed a tear, “I… I no longer had feelings for her, believe me, breaking up with her was terrible for me too... I feel adrift, like someone stole my compass… I spent two hours under the pouring rain crying like an idiot!”

His eyes soften. I wonder what he’s thinking of me.

“She thought… she thought you cheated on her. That’s why she came here.”

“She thought I cheated on her with you?”

“She thought you cheated on her, period.”

“That still doesn’t explain why she came here to see you, though.”

He takes a moment to think before letting out a sigh, he’s probably trying his best to soften the blow.

“Okay, fine, yes, she thought you cheated on her with me. She’s nuts, she mistook us for Isak and Even.”

I nod - I get where she’s coming from but I’m still not sure about my feelings for Tarjei nor if he feels the same way for that matter so I don’t say anything.

“Go lay down in bed, I’ll make you hot chocolate and bring you a blanket, you’re soaking wet.”

“Oh… thank you Tar.”

I do as he says with a smile plastered on my face, he’s always so sweet to me.

I feel someone throw a warm and soft blanket over me. I smile and tilt my head up only to see him smiling back at me. My eyes linger on his upper lip, so thin and so perfectly sculpted.

Without thinking I wet my dry lips and watch as he heads to the kitchen.

Tarjei is really gorgeous, he’s like a little doll. He’s sweet, considerate and most importantly he’s always shown that he cares about me.

I lean back against the headboard, pulling the blanket up with me.

This is the first time I’ve ever thought of him in these terms.

All the fears and the woes caused by the break up have now been replaced by an extreme sense of calm emanated from his beaming smile.

I see him walking back into the room holding two cups. He hands me one, “Thank you”, I smile.

“No problem”, he proceeds to sit next to me, “I wouldn’t want you to catch anything”, he smiles, “There’s a chance you might pass it to me on set”, he laughs.

He has this incredibly sweet and soft laughter that is just barely audible.

It’s like I imagine angels laugh.

“How do you feel? A bit better?”

“Oh, yeah. Trust me when I say I spent the whole day feeling like shit for what happened.”

“I know, you never striked me as a villain. Just so you know, she’s not mad at you. She acted on the spur of the moment but then she came back to her senses. She really cares about you.”

I nod, relaxing a little, “I knew she would understand eventually.”

We finish drinking our hot chocolates in silence.

Mum was right, silence and a clear head are really precious, I feel regenerated.

“Tar…”

“Yes?”

I set my cup on the bedside table before turning to him. I grab his arm and wrap it around me, burying my face in his neck. I can feel him holding me tight. I take a deep breath as I close my eyes and let go all my tensions. He tilts his face slightly and lays a kiss on my head, “Everything will be all right, Henrik.”

(Tarjei)

My tough guy act didn’t last too long nor did it have the effect I was hoping for. This is the first time I see Henrik for what he really is: a fragile soul with a desperate craving for affection.

Being so close to him, feeling his breath on my neck is making my stomach twist in knots. I’m seriously thrilled. But I must try my best to hold myself together. He’s only acting this way because he needs some affection after a tough moment. I don’t want to get my hopes up.

I watch as he reaches for my hand and starts playing with our fingers.

He intertwines his fingers with mine, sometimes stopping to focus on one in particular, then he grabs them all together and holds them in place before interlacing them again with his.

“We have something special, right?”

My heart starts beating faster. I don’t say anything, I need to know what is he getting at.

“Yeah, I mean, I feel totally comfortable around you, you’re one of the few people I’d trust with my life. You’re my… on-set soulmate”, he laughs.

Of course he had to bring up work…

All of a sudden he leans in to kiss my cheek, causing my eyes to grow wide as I pull my face away slightly to look at him, to try and understand him. This is the very first time he kisses me on the cheek, I find it almost more intimate than the thousand kisses we shared on set. This kiss was real and for his own pleasure. I’m clearly shaken.

“Come on, don’t be so fussy”, he laughs, drawing away from me.

“Fussy? Me?”, I laugh, “I would like to remind you who gave you those two hickeys before the kitchen scene! We spent a good ten minutes in the toilet!”

“Yeah and they were rubbish! At least I gave you a huge hickey on the back of your white and delicate neck, it was perfect!” he laughs out loud as he falls back down on the bed.

I stare at him with a look between amusement, embarrassment and turmoil. 

“Come on, I’m joking, they were great and besides I enjoyed them!” 

I shrug and without thinking I reply, “I’ll do it again if you want me to.”


	12. Gym

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looks at me from head to toe, “Are you on something, Tarjei?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was supposed to come out on Friday night but we all know what happened that night so I'm sure you'll understand why it took me a few days to recover. Hope you enjoy! Things are about to heat up ;) 
> 
> Thanks for all the lovely comments, you are seriously too kind for words!

(Tarjei)

Why did I say that? Why did I say that? Why did I say that?!

A wide smile spreads across Henrik’s face in all its beauty as he flings his head back and laughs. 

Is he laughing at me? At what I’ve just said? Was it funny? Well, yeah, I guess it was funny. 

“If you want!”, he keeps laughing.

All right, this teasing is making me uncomfortable.

As I said before: life’s all about all or nothing.

I take advantage of the fact that he’s laying down in bed to climb on top of him and pin his wrists down, keeping his arms still.

His face suddenly grows serious as he stares at me.

Okay, what do I do now?

This might be the sign that he was joking, I'm not gonna risk making an ass of myself.

I fake a laugh and pull away from him, “You’re not laughing now, huh?”

He props himself up on his arms, “I didn’t think you’d be able to take the situation in hand,” he laughs, “Congrats, Tarjei, you’re making progress!”

He keeps laughing until he stops to look at me.

He lays back down and stretches his arm out over the bed as if to invite me to join him and lay next to him.

And so I do. He wraps his arm around my neck and lays my head on his shoulder. I rest a hand on his chest.

“All we need now is some bullshit about parallel universes and we’re set”, he cracks up.

I smile lightly, “Well… this is like a parallel universe, except there’s no Isak and Even, just us: Tarjei and Henrik. And…,” I draw some tiny circles on his chest with my fingers, “...Tarjei right now is… comforting his friend and colleague Henrik… because he’s all shaken up after a tough day.”

He has the look on his face of someone who’s torn between laughing and plain smiling.

He looks at me from head to toe, “Are you on something, Tarjei?”, he literally bursts out laughing again. 

I sit up and slap him on the back, “Stop, you’re not funny!”

I’m trying my best to make an advance on him but he’s not catching my signals.

Gosh, I should have just given him that hickey. At least he would have been quiet!

I feel his hands trying to pull my hips down to get me back in his arms. I let him do it and go back to how I was laying before. He places a kiss on my head, “I love it when you get all touchy.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

He lets out a breathless laugh, “You crack me up!”

“I said: go fuck yourself.”

I feel him holding me tighter. He presses his lips to the top of my head before planting several small kisses in my hair. 

I don’t know what’s going on anymore. The more I respond to his advances, the more he dismisses mine.

I choose not to react, I just close my eyes and enjoy being cuddled.

“Can I have your phone for a second?”

I grab my phone from my pocket and hand it over to him without saying a word, then I go back to holding him tight.

We spend the next few minutes in complete silence. I’m trying to get the most out of these cuddles because I don’t know how much longer I’ll get to enjoy them.

I hear him using my phone with his free hand. To be honest I don’t really care what he’s doing. As long as he’s close to me like this, he can do whatever he want.

“Oh my god,” he suddenly cracks up laughing, causing me to jump.

“What? What’s happening?”, I stand up to look at him.

“I was browsing Instagram using your Isak account, I went to check my profile and guess what, it’s in your recent searches, actually, it’s the most recent search!”

I feel my ears slowly turning red, then my entire face, as I bend my head down in utter shame and humiliation. 

The only thing that is missing now is a sign reading: “Tarjei is crazy about Henrik, just Henrik and only Henrik.”

“Are you stalking me?,” he laughs “Or perhaps should I say that Isak is stalking me? Or maybe Isak is stalking Even?”

“Give me my phone back!”, I snatch my phone from his hands.

He’s still sporting the same obnoxious and smug look on his face.

That’s it, I’ve had enough, literally enough, even if this means I’ll make a fool of myself.

Now it’s my turn to make him uncomfortable! Just like he does to me every single time.

I throw my phone to the foot of the bed, I wet my lips and turn to face him before climbing on top of him. His face grows tense just like it did before, but this time I don’t really care. With a swift and firm motion I attack his neck.

As soon as my mouth meets his skin, I feel him shiver and turn into a block of ice, frozen and motionless.

I start sucking hard on his skin, I’m not going to stop until I get a reaction.

After the first few seconds I feel his cold hands sliding under my shirt, rubbing my back with his fingers in vertical motions, trailing up and down my spine.

He’s into it, I’m into it.

I hear him start moaning softly, his breath getting heavy.

I let my body lean against his.

He has a hard on and so do I. For the first time the thing is not making us uneasy.

I press my hips against his, the feeling driving us wild. 

I hear him whispering a soft “Oh…” the moment our crotches touch. 

I hear the lock to the front door turning. 

I suddenly pull away, my breath short.

He stares at me with a look on his face between arousal and confusion, his mouth wide open and gasping for air.

I quickly stand up from bed and rush to the hallway, closing my bedroom door behind me.

“H-Hello dad! Y-You’re home early!”, my voice is hoarse, broken and I keep breathing heavily.

“Have you been running, Tarjei?”, he laughs.

“Oh, uhm, no, I was working out to… stay in shape. You know, I was thinking that maybe I should join a gym, what do you think? It would only do me good! Yeah, yeah. I think it’s a great idea, a GREAT IDEA. Where’s mum? When is she coming back? We should talk about it!”


	13. Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time it was all real. There was no Even, there was no Isak. There was no camera, no director, no professionalism. It was just us.

(Henrik)

 

I lay motionless in bed.

 

I listen to the muffled voices coming from outside the room.

 

I turn my focus to the Oslo city sounds in an attempt to stop my thoughts.

 

I know myself - I’m a slave to my mind, to my thoughts.

 

I touch my neck softly. As soon as my finger trails over the slight bruise from the hickey, I feel shivers throughout my body. I close my eyes. I rub the spot, barely touching it, as if to fondle it, as if to cherish it.

 

What just happened reset my mind.

 

I feel like I’m suffering from some sort of amnesia but I don’t mind.

 

I smile in utter confusion.

 

I roll on my stomach and smell Tarjei’s bed lovingly.

 

I caress his duvet as if it were him.

 

I feel a slight tingling sensation in my lower abdomen.

 

I want to touch myself. I want him to touch me.

 

My hand starts to slide down below my navel but then it stops.

 

I can’t do it - Tarjei might walk in, his parents might walk in.

 

I bring both hands to my face and rub my eyes.

 

Anxiety is taking over my brain. I get up and spot Tarjei’s mp3 player on the bedside table.

 

I quickly put the earphones in and hit shuffle.

 

I need something to keep my mind busy.

 

 _Demons_ by Imagine Dragons starts playing.

 

It’s like the song is about me, about my doubts.

 

I can’t jump into this thing, I know how it’s going to end.

 

_I want to hide the truth_

_I want to shelter you_

_But with the beast inside_

_There’s nowhere we can hide_

 

I can’t be with Tarjei, I can’t risk him becoming part of my routine, I can’t risk hurting him, just like I hurt one of the dearest people in my life today.

 

_When you feel my heat, look into my eyes_

_It's where my demons hide,_

_it's where my demons hide_

_Don't get too close, it's dark inside_

_It's where my demons hide_

_it's where my demons hide_

 

He doesn’t deserve this. He’s fragile, kind, gorgeous, perfect.

 

I can’t turn his smile into a desperate cry.

 

I must put an end to this thing before we get even more involved.

 

_I don't want to let you down,_

_but I am hell bound_

_Though this is all for you_

_I don't want to hide the truth_

_No matter what we breed,_

_we still are made of greed_

 

I enjoyed what just happened a little bit too much. I enjoyed it even more than that one time on set a while ago. This time it was all real. There was no Even, there was no Isak. There was no camera, no director, no professionalism. It was just us.

 

And that’s why this can’t go on.

 

I don’t want all this to become a habit.

 

I don’t want all this to ever get boring.

 

I don’t want to hurt another important person in my life because of my fears.

 

I could really use my mum right now.

 

I could use a hug, as well as some words of advice.

 

I stand up and look around. Perhaps I should leave, but I can’t jump out the window, it’s too high, and I can’t walk out through the front door either because they will notice me.

 

I’m about to panic, I need air, I need air.

 

I slowly open the window to take a deep breath.

 

“It’s all right”

 

I repeat it to myself a couple of times, but to no avail.

 

Two opposing forces are battling inside of me: the part of me that wants Tarjei to make me feel good and the part that wants to stay away from him to keep myself from hurting him.

 

Everything becomes clear in my mind: I’m in love with him.

 

Actually, I’m absolutely crazy about him.

 

I’m crazy about his little beauty marks, I’m crazy about his sweet hands, I’m crazy about his innocent smile, I’m crazy about his insecurities, I’m crazy about his antisocial behaviour, I’m crazy about his shyness, I’m crazy about him in every single way.

 

That’s exactly why I need to protect him, that’s exactly why I can’t be with him.

 

I want to keep looking at him and never stop thinking how wonderful he is to me.

  


_They say it's what you make,_

_I say it's up to fate_

_It's woven in my soul,_

_I need to let you go..._

_Your eyes, they shine so bright,_

_I want to save their light_

_I can't escape this now,_

_unless you show me how_


	14. Insecurity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What are you going to do then? Never get into another relationship for the rest of your life?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked for more so here you go :)
> 
> As usual all credits go to Martina and many thanks to all of you for the overwhelming support!

(Tarjei)

 

Mum looks at me, almost shocked, as she puts the groceries on the table, “Gym? You hate socialising with strangers.”

 

“Well, uhm, I got better at it after drama class! Way better!”

 

Mum keeps looking at me, far from convinced.

 

“We’ll talk about it.”

 

I give her a wink and a thumbs up like an idiot, “Perfect!”

 

What the fuck?!

 

Did I lose my mind?

 

I’m walking back to my room when I suddenly stop.

 

Right, Henrik.

 

I slowly turn the doorknob and step inside.

 

I’m smiling like a damn fool.

 

I see him standing by the window, looking out.

 

“Henrik?”

 

He doesn’t answer, then I notice he has earphones in.

 

I walk up to him and softly touch his shoulder, he jumps back right away and takes the earphones out.

 

“You scared me!”

 

I smile as I move closer, “It’s all right, it’s me.”

 

The closer I move to him, the farther he backs away from me.

 

“... Is anything wrong?”

 

He looks at me with a serious face, “...We made a mistake. It was an error, Tar. I’m sorry.”

 

I feel my heart burst into flames. It’s slowly burning to ashes.

 

“What…?”, my voice is down to a whisper, I’m on the verge of tears.

 

I see concern in his eyes, he starts to move closer to me only to draw away again.

 

I try to work up my courage, “...What are you afraid of?”

 

“Everything, Tar. I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

“You won’t hurt me! If anything you just make feel incredibly happy. You… radiate positivity and influence me for the better. You electrify me.”

 

“Sooner or later I’ll get tired of you, Tarjei. Just like it happened with her. And then what will we be left with? Hatred, only hatred. I don’t want to stop seeing you, I don’t want to lose you, I just need to make sure that I’ll feel this way forever, that I’ll never get used to being with you and that there’ll always be something new in our relationship.”

 

“Those things are impossible to control, Henrik! It doesn’t make any sense! We don’t know what’s going to happen. You can’t always be in control of everything, it’s impossible!”

 

“Listen, I…,” he stops and sits on the bed. He seems to be deep in thought.

 

“Maybe I just need time. I need to understand what’s going on, I need to calm down and figure out if I might like it or not.”

 

“Henrik!,” I lose my temper, “You were enjoying what we were doing. Don’t bullshit me. Just say it!”

 

“...Say what?”

 

“Say that you don’t like me that way! You just needed… some comfort, right? Well, here you go. But I won’t be your whore. You can’t just show up here every time you break up with someone, expecting me to be by your side, to cuddle you and be close to you …You know what? Maybe it would be best to keep our relationship strictly professional!”

 

“See? That’s exactly what I wanted to avoid and it’s already happening!”

 

“Of course it’s happening, the damage has already been done! I started to have feelings for you the moment I saw you at the auditions for the first time. It’s you who never noticed!,” I shred a couple of tears, “... but I get it. You’re straight and I’m nothing like you…”

 

He suddenly grabs my wrists.

 

“I don’t know where I stand, Tarjei but one thing I know for sure is that I’m not letting you go because I don’t like you. Perhaps it’s true, I’m stupid and it took me ages to realise there was something going on between us. But I do like you, I like you a lot. I like the way you make me feel! I like your company, it makes me feel calm. I like cuddling you, I’ve always liked that. When we were on set, I was always looking forward to shoot some cuddling scenes with you because they made me feel good, you smelled like… home. And I know it might sound weird, but ‘home’ to me means complete ease. And that’s how you make me feel: completely at ease!”

 

I burst into tears and yell, “Then why don’t you want to be with me?”

 

I see my dad suddenly open the door, “Tarjei, is everything all r- ...oh, hello Henrik. B-Boys what’s going on? Are you okay?”

 

I turn to him as I use the sleeve of my hoodie to dry my face.

 

“Yeah, it’s fine,” I’m trembling, my voice hoarse from crying, “Henrik was just about to leave.”

 

I spot a few tears running down Henrik’s face. I’m sorry but this time I’m glad to see I’m not the only one feeling like shit. 

 

“Tarjei I don’t want…”

 

“Shut up and go away.”

 

“Tarjei… I’m just scared I’ll get used to you like it happened with her.”

 

“What are you going to do then? Never get into another relationship for the rest of your life? Go away, please. I can’t stand to look at you any longer, it’s hurting me.”


	15. Recurring Thought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I see him. All the time.

(Tarjei)

After that day I retreated into silence.

I changed the sheets and aired out my room.

As if it made any difference…

I don’t spend much time in my room anymore. I even sleep on the sofa occasionally. But either way, I don’t generally spend much time at home. I can’t stand being in a confined space, I can’t stand being alone in confined space. I find it claustrophobic.

I spend my entire days wandering the streets on my own. Sometimes I sit on a wall or on a bench somewhere and do my homework. At school I keep to myself, pushing my friends away. I told everyone it’s because I’m studying but someone seems to think I have a secret girlfriend. If only they knew…

In the cafeteria I always make sure to sit at a table at the very back. I try my best not to be noticed.

I watch groups of friends and join in their conversations in my head, listening to their problems makes me forget about mine.

I roam around Oslo until late into the evening.

My parents tried to talk to me a few times but I just stared at them in silence.

I feel like a dead man walking.

I figured being rejected would hurt, but being rejected because he likes me too much kills me even more. 

He wants me, I want him, what’s wrong with that?

I can’t wrap my head around his fears, I just can’t.

I find them stupid and meaningless.

He should at least have the courage to try.

-

The weeks fly by like nothing and I miss him like never before.

During meals I eat little or nothing at all.

Every day mum gives me a sandwich and a fruit for my school packed lunch.

Sometimes I munch on the fruit, take one small bite of the sandwich and leave the rest behind.

I’m not hungry, I’m not hungry because when I think about his laughter, I feel my stomach drop without warning.

I know he wouldn’t like the way I’m dealing with food right now, but I don’t give a shit. It’s none of his damn business, actually, it never was.

I’m not trying to kill myself, I’m not that melodramatic. 

I just can’t bring myself to eat anything without picturing him in front of him.

He's such a big part of my everyday life at this point.

I look for his face in the crowd. I see him in the loving couples holding hands in the street. I see him in the children running around, innocent and carefree. I see him through the reflections of shop windows. I see him next to me, holding my hand. I see him kissing me in front of everyone without any embarrassment.

I see him.

All the time.

 

(Henrik)

I spend all my time at home.

Mum clearly knows what’s going on, yet she still wants me to go back to work. 

But I just can’t.

I keep thinking about him.

I broke lots of glasses at home already, imagine the mess I’d make in a restaurant.

I’m distracted.

I’m afraid of bumping into him in the street.

Afraid of seeing him sad because of me.

I’m an asshole, a jerk. All I do is hurt others.

I was about to get a spark back in my life and I let it go, for fear that it would burn out again.

-  
It’s almost time to get back on set.

I need to make up my mind and fast.

It’s going to be my one chance to make amends. 

Mum keeps telling me the same things over and over again.

That I should give it a shot, I should try.

Love is scary and I’m terrified by it.

Falling for Tarjei is not hard.

I miss his eyes, his innocent smile, his gentle laughter.

After filming ended, I spent an entire month without meeting him, yet I never stopped seeing him in videos, in pictures, in the words of the fans that came to meet me.

It was like having him with me, that’s why I never missed him.

I felt as if we had a connection. Something that kept us together despite our schedules and the distance between us.

But now I feel as if that thread had been severed.

I cut it, he tried to fix it at first but then he gave up and let it go.

He’s probably cursing me right now.

-

I wonder if he’s eating well.

I’m so worried… he doesn’t eat when he’s upset, I know him.

Instead of helping him face the world, I left him alone.

I’m a terrible person.


	16. “Say it again” (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you”, I whisper softly as I bow down my head. This is the first time I’ve said it straight to his face. 
> 
> “Say it again…”,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally back for good!! Sorry for the unexpected hiatus, I had a couple of crazy weeks behind me :( Hope you enjoy this much belated update, a new chapter is already on the way (I promise!). All credits to the lovely Martina as usual.

(Tarjei)

“I love you”, I whisper softly as I bow down my head. This is the first time I’ve said it straight to his face. 

“Say it again…”, he looks at me and gently laughs.

I lean back against the school lockers, or rather, I slam into them. He’s getting closer and closer to me.

“I love you”, I smile, looking into his eyes.

He stretches his arm out to rest his hand on one of the lockers, his eyes still on me.

“I like hearing you say it!”, he smiles warmly at me before planting a feather-light peck on my lips.

I wrap my arms around his neck, making him deepen the kiss.

He wants me, he wants me so bad, I can feel it.

His hands trail down my hips and then slide up my back.

He wants to reach my ass, I can tell by the way he caresses my back, ever so deeply, his hands wandering lower and lower.

Our tongues are more and more hungry for each other, pulling us together.

His mouth is almost devouring mine.

He’s always been better than me when it comes to these things.

Even though we’re both really enjoying the moment, he pulls away slightly.

He looks at me the way one contemplates a statue.

He starts to say something but stops. He resumes speaking, this time with a less confident look on his face.

“Uhm… have you lost weight Isak?”

WHAT?!

I snort in annoyance, “... you’re worse than my grandma…”

“Henrik, for the hundredth time, would you please stick to the script?”, Julie is livid. We’ve been repeating this scene for twenty minutes now because today Henrik decided that improvisation is no big deal. 

“I love you too, Isak!”, she spells out, “It’s not that hard! Is there something wrong with your memory?”

I move away from him to look at Julie.

“Ten minute break, boys. Clear your head, get some fresh air.”

I wonder if she suspects anything. During the breaks Henrik and I keep away from each other but when we’re on set everything comes natural, as always.

I head to the school toilets - it’s great, it’s all so quiet and empty.

I splash my face.

Cold water helps me cool down my urges.

Despite everything, I can still feel every single emotion Isak feels.

We are exactly the same now, except Isak understands Even’s bipolar disorder.

And yet I can’t bring myself to understand, and most importantly forgive, Henrik’s stupidity.

Shit, he wants me!

I felt it! I didn’t make it up!

We both want each other. Our kisses were real in their pretence. We actually enjoyed them. We’re missing each other, I can tell!

Why can’t we just start over again? Why can’t he just give in? Why can’t he just listen to his heart?

Why can’t he just let love carry him away?

Besides, it’s clear that he’s worried about me.

Yeah, I haven’t lost that much weight, but he’s trying to figure out whether I’m eating or not. God, he’s stressing me out!

I want a boyfriend, not a nanny.

I don’t want him to worry about me if he’s not going to ask me how I am. My name is Tarjei, there’s no point in asking Isak if I lost weight! Of course he doesn’t know!

I don’t need to be questioned about my diet, I need him!


End file.
